The unknown

Social media......I keep questioning myself if I share too much. Then I keep reminding myself that if some one doesn't want to read or see what I post, they wouldn't. Writing is definitely a therapy for me....So here we are one week into February. As I write today I am full of mixed emotions hence why I shouldn't be writing in the first place. I love my family and friends very much. It seems that every one that has come into our life has made a huge impact in one way or another. I can literally sit and think about some one, then I will just smile with joy and love in my heart. There is so many individuals that I can reminisce and acknowledge. The list is lengthy. I'm rich with the abundance of love that surrounds our family. Even when I'm feeling down (like today) I can think about some one and I feel such warmth in my heart.

However the truth is, like many of yours, our life isn't easy. We are honestly taking it one day at a time. Plunking along accomplishing what we need too while taking sometime to enjoy life - the great outdoors with each other! This morning my husband was at the hospital visiting his specialist. He has developed an infection in his ankle. This is on top of his ongoing body and heart pain. I witness and watch over him daily. Thankfully I know what to do in case of an emergency and it semi puts my mind at ease. However it can be exhausting. The continual worry and stress can catch up to you. Kinda like today. I am thankful that he is alive, and that our family is moving forward daily. And the breath that we take every morning is another beginning to be thankful for. I get that. I will tell you something what's hard....I claim to have this strength, this power that keeps our family going every day like clock work. Be positive! Keep the hope! Pray! Believe! I have all that and I (we) will continue to keep plunking along......but I'm only human. I have fears. Like how I reminisce about all the individuals I love and that make me smile, I also remember almost loosing my husband. I worry about our children loosing their Dad. I know I'm not suppose to have these thoughts but how can I not?  His condition every day (today) is just an ongoing reminder that we are never safe from illness and accidents.

Thinking about our children I often wonder how they're coping with a sick father. I know they have their thoughts and sometimes they share. I try to give them their space and allow them to share their feelings when they're ready or wanting too. In one way I see our children being so resilient. In another (like me) there is worry, stress and feelings that exist. Some behaviors have escalated and some of our adult children have distanced themselves. Whether that is because of our life, theirs or both, there has been a shift since my husband became sick. I now understand the difficulties and challenges an illness puts on a family. You can be that person looking in and say, "Stay positive!" However it really has nothing to do with remaining positive, staying optimistic or hopeful. That's just a piece of the equation that we're fighting to maintain. The reality of our situation has a very helpless feeling. I so understand how families feel when some one is battling cancer with a unknown future if they will survive or not. The unknown is a horrible feeling that never goes away, like grieving. 

To conclude, Gerald for two days has had blood and urine testing. His inflammation count has escalated from 6 to 38. The specialist doesn't believe it's coming from his infected ankle. It's coming from internally, possibly his spine. His chronic body pain has escalated, he has ongoing chest pain and he's drained physically. He's currently struggling to use his left hand. A MRI is scheduled ASAP.  For now he remains home with no hospitalization. I will continue to monitor his health and watch for signs of sepsis and/or heart attack. I won't lie....I fear for our family and I wouldn't wish this condition on anyone. 2016 I really thought was our year.......just maybe. I'm 50/50 sitting on the fence post waiting which way it will turn. And we're getting tired emotionally. All I know is I don't want to see a person suffer every day like he does. He remains strong and hides it well for his children and others, however he needs health and freedom from MRSA. We all do......and that I pray.